Relationships

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. Why? I have no clue, maybe because I just turned 31 years old back in June. For my entire life, except for a month/month and a half when I was 16, I have been single. Even then, it wasn't an actual relationship. All we did was just hang out like I hang out with other guys in my life. Never even been kissed. I can't even imagine ever kissing anybody. How sad is that?? Never been on an actual date. I went to my high school senior prom with a very good friend of mine *I didn't want to go, but family members insisted, and it was a group 'date'*, and we ate at Marconi Grill on Valentine's Day when I was 18. I wouldn't call those dates since it was two close friends keeping each other company 'cause we had nothing better to do.

I've always been a person who tells the other person that I like them, and ask them out. I'm so not a traditional girl! I believed that if you want something, you gotta bust your butt to get it or make it known. Notice the word 'believed'. I don't necessarily believe in that anymore when it comes to feelings that goes along with relationships. I always get one of the two which 'we're such good friends, I don't want to ruin that friendship' and 'I'm not ready to date, but when I am, I will let you know 'cause I like you too', and then start dating other pepole. Complete bullshit. Oh well, I'm so over it. I'm just not going to tell anybody that I like them unless they tell me first. Makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Am I not worth it or what? I know that's not me, it's them, but I do question that every now and then. Even though, I truly believe it's them, not me, because it doesn't hurt any less. There are times where I want to ask 'Is it because you're uncomfortable around me? Am I not good enough for you even though you know there's a chance that I might be? Am I really not deserving to be loved and taken care from other person?' This really eats at me from time to time, and it really brings me down. I feel like I'm a failure when it comes to intimate relationships. I just one chance to be loved for who I am, does not pity, and truly values on who I am as a person. Not degrade me 'cause my physical body.

There have been at least two guys who were interested in me, but I have no interest in them. They either creep me out, or I just don't have that kind of connection with them. I gotta say, I'm glad that I say no, 'cause I'm doing what feels right for me. I think I would hate myself if I said yes and not be happy with the person since my gut very rarely steers me wrong. Some people just don't get that, and it frustrates me!

Since I've been single for so long, I don't think I would know what to do if a guy I like actually likes me back and decides to give me a chance. Then my fear is that I will screw it up because I don't know how to be in a relationship. I talked to my sister about this, and I agree with her. Maybe I'm a person that does not do relationships, and I am fine with that. I think I just want to know that mutual feelings can be shared, and that I am the girl of his dreams. I'll admit, I will totally freak out 'cause it would be entirely new thing to experience. I wouldn't know how it would feel for somebody to genuinely care about me and want to be with me, and it scares the crap out of me.

I'm content with what I have. I am glad to be 'one of the guys'. As long as I have my sisters, and their kids, and good friends, I can never be alone, and I'll always be content and happy about it. Even though, I  am completely satisfied with my people in my life, I am human, so I still wonder why other parts of my life don't work out. I just want to know if I'm worth it, or not..

Me and my brain, it thinks too much especially when it's not needed. It's just one of those things I wonder and think about.